


Everybody Else Already Knows

by TBe76



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:55:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22377571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TBe76/pseuds/TBe76
Summary: Set immediately after “Turnabout Intruder”. Kirk ponders the hand holding. Ponders soul. Ponders Spock’s ass.  Alternating POV between Kirk and Spock.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 9
Kudos: 109





	Everybody Else Already Knows

**Author's Note:**

> Please ignore the complete lack of science and engineering in the second part of the story. It is simply a mechanism for getting them together that I took the easy way out with. The moment where Spock keeps his concerned gaze is pulled directly from “The Devil in the Dark.” If you’ve forgotten, Spock deliberately postpones going about his business to worriedly check on Kirk and watches him the whole time until he vanishes from sight into a tunnel.

Kirk realized that he was staring at his first officer’s ass. Worse, he was  starting to grow hard while staring at his ass. In fact, the last few weeks he’d been noticing how sexy everything about Spock was. He would be lying in his quarters and would flashback to being inside Janice Lester’s body. Inside her body with his soul rather than the time years ago where just his dick and his hands were the most he had inside her body.

Somehow, Spock holding his hand when he’d been in Janice’s body had seemed so right. Now, he  couldn’t stop thinking about Spock in a sexual way.

A few months back, after the whole  T’Pring debacle, Kirk had been sure Spock was going to march to his quarters and beg permission for him to fuck him. He’d remembered the feel of their bodies wrestling in the Vulcan sand, Spock’s erection pressing firmly into him even as Spock tried to kill him. H e had been so sure that Spock wanted him then, but after a few days he gave up on that train of thought and decided to just accept that Spock was his best friend in the universe.

But lately, after Spock had melded with him and recognized him even in Janice’s body, it was as if Spock was all he could think about. And he was incredibly horny all the time. He was afraid to jerk off because every time he started to his brain went to images of Spock. And he knew that if he started that route, it wouldn’t be long before he couldn’t look Spock in the eye. 

Yet things seemed to get worse every day.  He was dreading tonight’s chess game even while he looked forward to it more than anything on his schedule. Every look Spock gave him went straight to his dick. He heard innuendo in every phrase Spock used.  But he really didn’t think Spock meant things the way they sounded. If Spock were into him that way, would he not have shown some sign  before now? Holding his hand while in a woman’s body merely reinforced the idea that if Spock was going to make a move, it would be with a woman. He certainly had never seen Spock pay much attention in his normal state to anyone. Definitely never a male. And Leila was probably mostly spore influence, Kirk insisted to himself.

The more he tried to take his eyes off the tight Vulcan ass, the harder it became. He tried looking at the view screen, but for once the stars held no appeal. He turned his chair slowly around the bridge and looked at the rest of the bridge crew, but felt nothing but an intense desire to look back at Spock. It was almost as if his mind had a will of its own. He had it bad. It was the most hopeless case of love he’d ever been in. He knew it now. Knew that he loved Spock, was in love with him. But what was the point? His stoic Vulcan first officer would no doubt have whole  soliloquies ready on how illogical love was. And no doubt would find a man an illogical mate. No chance of offspring. Although could a hybrid have offspring? 

Kirk was getting annoyed with himself for not being able to shut the thoughts and feelings down. Spock was the best friend he’d ever had. Loyal to the core. The smartest person he’d ever met. Dependable. Always knew what Kirk needed. For some reason his mind flashed all the times Spock had moved everything for him.  Found him when he’d experienced amnesia and gone off and gotten married to  Miramanee . Stepped in front of the poison thorns  when they dealt with Vaal. Countless times. Spock smiled little smiles for him that he never did  for anyone else. And he let him touch his arm , even put his arm around his shoulder sometime. But that didn’t mean he loved him back, did it? Kirk was tormenting himself. He kept feeling his slender feminine hand (while in Janice’s body) in Spock’s  warmer than human hand and he wanted it again. He wanted Spock and wanted to do more than holding hands. What was he going to do? 

The rest of shift passed immeasurably slowly. This was a boring star charting assignment with no surprises. He should be grateful, but he was miserable. If something didn’t take his mind off his obsession with Spock he was going to slip up and put his foot in his mouth for sure. 

He watched the chronometer. Two minutes left on shift. And then he was to meet Spock for a game of chess. He used to love that part of the day. Now he was petrified of it. All that one-on-one time. Too much chance to slip up and say what was on his mind. What was on his heart. Still, he loved Spock so much that he wouldn’t miss the chance to be with him even if it was maddening.

Shift change happened wordlessly. He followed Spock into the  turbolift as they had done countless times before.  The doors closed and it was just the two of them in the tiny space. And Kirk’s brain went to thinking of all the possibilities.

“Captain?” Spock’s voice broke through his reverie.

“Sorry, I was thinking — “ Kirk trailed off, and glanced down at the floor rather than meet Spock’s eye.

“Jim,” Spock’s voice had softened. “Are you alright?”

Kirk froze. A part of him wanted to bare his soul. The other part of him was scared. His silence seemed to have alarmed Spock.

“Let me call Dr. McCoy.”

“N o!” Kirk cried a little too loudly for their confined space. He wanted  so desperately to get things back to the way things were before the whole incident  with Janice Lester’s body. Back before everything seemed to slip out of his control.

He realized the lift was reaching their destination.

“Are you up for playing?” Spock was asking him innocently. 

His sex-focused brain focused on the words “up” and “playing” and began to create a visual that he tried desperately to tamp down.

“Can we just go talk?” Kirk asked hesitantly.

“Of course, Jim,” Spock said with no sign of anything but support and friendship. 

  
They ended up sitting down next to each other and Kirk was keenly aware that he could lay a hand on Spock’s leg without stretching. The desire seemed to overwhelm him for a moment. He was afraid Spock could read his desire. He felt like he was projecting no matter how hard he tried to shield his mind. He knew Spock would never intentionally intrude on his mind, but the memory of Spock’s mind in his as he confirmed Kirk’s identify left him missing the Vulcan mental presence. He felt a sense of loss.

“I have to admit ever since the whole thing with Janice Lester’s body swap, I don’t fully feel myself.”

Spock met his gaze and  appeared concerned. “Mentally or physically?”

“Both,” Kirk answered truthfully. “I guess it’s got me thinking about immortality and everything. I’m convinced I have a soul. She transferred it. I just don’t know if souls live on past our bodies.” He paused and absent mindedly ran his hand through his hair before rubbing his eyes in tired frustration. “If you hadn’t melded with me—I’d be trapped — “ He found he couldn’t even finish the sentence.

Spock nodded. “I was afraid that only I would know who you were and that I might never see you again. I was honestly grateful when we were sentenced to death together.” The Vulcan paused and looked at his hands in an  unchar acteristi cally nervous manner. “I could not bear the thought of not being able to see you again. To have you taken away where no one would know it was you. I—“ he broke off, his voice unusually laden with emotion.

Kirk wanted to declare his feelings, but he still didn’t see any sign of anything other than friendship and he couldn’t risk the most important friendship he’d ever had.

“I keep thinking of the meld. It was so different from when you’ve hard to meld with me before.” He paused, trying to put his feelings into words. “I wanted you to see it was me. And you did. But it was like—like I knew you just as  much…” he trailed off.

Spock looked at him and an emotion passed across his face that Kirk couldn’t identify. It was gone too quickly. Was it shame? That didn’t make sense.

“ I am grateful I was able to discern that you were who you claime d. I cannot imagine my life without you in it.”

  
“I can’t either, Spock. You’re the most important thing in the universe to me. I want to—“Kirk froze. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t take rejection. He couldn’t deal if Spock asked for a transfer to get away from him. And he would, wouldn’t he? There was still no sign that there was anything sexual to Spock’s feelings.

Spock looked at him with such a questioning face that he couldn’t say what he wanted to say. Couldn’t say “I want to marry you. I want to kiss you. I want to make love to you.” 

“I want you to know that,” he finished somewhat lamely.

“Jim,” Spock said gently, “You are the most important thing to me as well.”

Still, Kirk saw no sign that Spock felt anything like he did. Friendship that was all there was. No sign of matching desire.

“Let’s try for chess tomorrow night? I’ll try not to be so emotional,” he tried to  re e stablish a sense of normalcy.

“Your emotions do not bother me,” Spock said gently. “We can play chess tomorrow.” He stood slowly, and there was a slight hesitation. For a moment Kirk wanted to throw his arms around the Vulcan and beg him to stay, but he squashed the feeling and the door closed behind Spock.

The next day shift passed even more slowly than the prior day. Stellar cartography and astrophysics were busy mapping  starfields . Kirk only saw his first officer’s ass.  Nothing else caught his eye, and he seriously began to wish for a Klingon cruiser to appear or anything to distract him from his hopeless feelings.

When shift ended and he and Spock entered the  turbolift in companionable silence again, Kirk thought he was going to burst. Spock set up the chess board and Kirk lifted a pawn  to make the first move. But he couldn’t think. He just ran his fingers over the edge of the pawn, absently, trying to think about chess, but instead feeling emotions and lust mixing together.

Spock gave him a moment. “Would you prefer we postpone the game?”

Kirk didn’t answer him directly. “ I still feel guilty, you know.”

A raised eyebrow was the only response for a moment. “About what, Jim?”

“Omicron  Ceti III.”

“There is no reason for you to feel guilt.”

“ I took you away from the only time you were ever happy.”

Spock shook his head rather emphatically. “Jim, that was a poor choice of words on my part. Based on limited life experience. I had experienced my first sexual encounter and the spores negated any feelings of self - doubt I had. That was not real happiness.”

Kirk processed all of that and tried not to focus on the image his brain  put into gear at the idea of Spock losing his virginity. “Then you’ve been happy since?”

Spock nodded. “Yes, Jim. ”

Kirk waited expectantly, desperate for some proof of Spock’s happiness.

“Jim, I have been happy. When I discovered you were alive after — “ Spock faltered for a moment. “After our fight on Vulcan. And every other time I found you alive when I feared you were not. I was happy to see you smile at me from your own visage after you swapped bodies back with Janice Lester. Many  times when you would beat me at chess, but I reveled in the challenge of the game and pondered the game for hours later. When you acknowledge my human half without forcing me to betray my Vulcan half.”

Kirk’s heart swelled with emotion at the depths of Spock’s friendship for him.

“ I treasure you just as you are; the best of both  worlds .”

Spock half-smiled at him, the smile he seemed to only ever show to Kirk.

He wasn’t sure what possessed him, but suddenly he had to bring up something else.

“I worry about you, you know?”

  
Spock’s brow raised again.“Why would you worry about me?”

  
Kirk gestured with his hands but knew they showed nothing. “You know. Biology and all that.” He watched Spock’s face become an impassive Vulcan mask. “I worry that it’ll happen again and we won’t be near Vulcan and you—“

Spock raised both brows. “You sound like my mother.”

Kirk bit back a laugh. “Ouch. That stings.”

  
Spock wrinkled his forehead but did not press Kirk on his unusual phrasing. “My parents are of the mind set that I should pick a bondmate from a suitable list of alternatives.”

Kirk felt a surge of jealousy against the list of potential mates. Spock continued. “I—am not going to concern myself with it at this time.”

“Spock,” Kirk began, wanting desperately to say “pick me”, but  instead lamely saying, “I couldn’t bear to lose you.”

“Jim,” Spock said gently , “I’m not going anywhere.”

Kirk shook his head, biting back from professing his real feelings. “You say that now, but I still am worrying.”

  
Spock looked at him with confusion. “Jim,” he began, and then he paused. The air was taught with unsaid words, unsaid emotions, and from Kirk’s perspective, an incredible sexual tension. But he didn’t know if Spock felt the same sensations he did. Something changed though and Spock’s face tensed. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he pressed his lips firmly. “I must apologize. I—I must meditate.” 

And without another word, he was gone . The doors whooshed closed leaving Kirk alone in his quarters. He felt tears sting his eyes and he  blinked them back fiercely.

He couldn’t stay in his quarters. He went to the Observation Deck and sought solace in the stars. They left him feeling cold and alone.  Feeling like a fool, he almost turned away at McCoy’s door, but he had already pressed the buzzer. The door opened and he stepped inside. 

“Jim!” McCoy exclaimed, seeming genuinely happy to see him.

Kirk stood in McCoy’s quarters fighting the urge to turn around and run away, but knowing McCoy would have him in psychoanalysis for days if he did , he stood hesitantly. 

“Saurian brandy?” McCoy asked, already pouring two shots. 

Kirk nodded in acceptance and took the proffered glass.

“Sit down, Jim.”

Kirk obeyed, the liquor burning a fire down his throat into his belly.

“Things that bad?” McCoy asked.

He laughed, but it sounded hollow even to his own ears. “Having a hard time lately. Not much to keep my brain occupied. Just star-charting. Too much time to think.”

  
McCoy looked him in the eye. “And feel.”

Damn, Kirk thought. McCoy knew him too well.

“I thought things were good between you two.”

Kirk felt like he was drunk. “Us two?”

McCoy stared at him. “ Don’t play dumb with me, Jim.”

Kirk shook his head. “I’m being serious, Bones. Me and who?”

McCoy poured them both another shot. “The only other person on the ship who wears the same lovesick look around here. ” He knocked the shot down. “Come on, he held your hand in front of a lot of people. After that I figured you finally took your relationship to the next level.”

Kirk almost spit the brandy out, but managed to swallow it.  “Are you saying that because Spock held Janice Lester’s hand —“

  
McCoy shook his head furiously. “Not her hand. Your hand. He’d never have held Lester’s hand.”

“You think that Spock and I —“

  
McCoy leaned back. “It’s not just me. Half the break room conversations the last week—“

Kirk stood up, angry. Furious at the unfairness that  everyone seemed to think he and Spock were a couple , when he wanted it more than anything.

“That’s the only time we ever held hands and we’ve never done more than that.”

“Bullshit.” McCoy countered.

The  rage in Kirk grew. “Don’t you think I’d know what we’ve done?”

The doctor didn’t flinch. “I know what I’ve seen. You each have fawned over each other for more than 2 years. You’ve moved everything to save each other’s lives a dozen times over. He lets you touch him, put your arm around him. Hell, he finds any reason to lean into your touch. He  find s a reason to join minds with you pretty easily. Don’t tell me  y’all don’t love each other.”

Kirk felt a blush rise to his cheeks and he didn’t think it was the alcohol. “Bones, he’d never do anything more . It’s just a friendship. He’ll never see me —“

McCoy shook  his head. “He does. He may not have connected all the dots, but I’ll bet the  entirety of my pension that he would pick you if he knew it was an option.”

Kirk  stared at McCoy wanting to believe him, but feeling more discouraged than hopeful. The horrible irony that people thought they’d  gotten together, that the hand-holding had been anything more than hand-holding.

McCoy looked at him sadly. “You’ve got it bad.”

Kirk laughed weakly. “I know.”

McCoy smiled. “I’m telling  you ; he’s got it as badly as you do.”

“I hope you’re right, Bones.” Kirk stood up. “Thanks for the drinks.”

“You  gonna talk to him?”

“Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow.” He shrugged. “Can’t risk what I say being blamed on alcohol.”

McCoy nodded. “Night, Jim.”

“Night.”

Kirk returned to his quarters. The alcohol seemed to have abandoned him, leaving him feeling cold and alone. He tossed and turned in his bed, unable to sleep.  With a shrug, he got up and took one of the sleeping pills he saved for such occasions and mercifully fell asleep shortly thereafter.

He awoke in the middle of a dream, but even though he was partly awake the dream was ongoing. Spock was screaming for him. He was somewhere dark, he couldn’t see, even though he could see his quarters with the part of his mind that was awake. In the dream sequence, he was unable to answer Spock. There was a desperation to Spock’s cry. The repeat of “Jim!” over and over  again moved him as did the anguish in Spock’s voice. Was it his dream or was  it Spock’s? He was beginning to think he was somehow picking up on Spock’s nightmare. He was very aware of his own quarters now, but the images and sounds were clear in his mind. Suddenly he became aware of the sound of an alarm. It was not his. The dream disappeared. It had been Spock’s. How was he sensing Spock’s nightmare?

He turned off his own alarm which was set to go off in fifteen minutes and took a long shower trying to shake the disorientation from his mind. 

***

Spock took a shower and could not shake the effects of his dream. The last two days had been  extremely taxing emotionally. He wished he could sort his feelings out but they seemed to be  getting more  confusing.

Ever since he had helped return  Kirk ’s mind to his correct body, he  had felt overwhelmed.  He wanted to feel the friendship and closeness  their minds had shared as he’d confirmed Kirk’s identity. Even now,  almost three weeks later he kept thinking back to the feel of Kirk’s hand in his. The hand had been  slimmer than Jim’s would normally have been.  And now, night after night, he found himself imagining Kirk’s  actual hand in his own. His mind had not  stopped there. Lately, he found himself thinking of how Kirk’s lips  affected so many individuals. He’d watched Kirk’s kisses  motivate women, aliens, and even androids.  What would  they feel like? Soft? Warm? Cooler than human lips?

Spock felt even more frustration. His mind went to his two sexual experiences. He felt like he had limited memories of them. They were hazy. Spores had impacted his experience with Leila.  And even though he recently (and yet at the same time it was over five millennia ago), had laid with  Zarabeth , the time portal had impacted him greatly. Even now the memories of those experiences were  unclear, and imprecise. 

He did not feel the uncontrollable  burning lust of  Ponn Farr, and so he decided that his current sexual desires must be from his human half. Perhaps aggravated because his  Ponn Farr had never reached its natural conclusion. He could feel himself,  his erection controlling the center of his thoughts, as he wrestled with Kirk on the hot shifting sands of Vulcan after  T’Pring declared  challenge.

He had found himself actually looking at records tapes and studying male-male sexuality in human culture. Still, he did not know what to do with his knowledge, his desire, or his emotions. Spock only knew that he wanted Kirk in every way. He wanted him as Vulcan mythology described t ’ hy’la relationships in ancient texts. But such wants were not logical. And he’d never seen Kirk seek companionship with a male before.

He forced himself to go through routine. As he did every shift morning , he went to meet Kirk and McCoy for breakfast at the officer’s table. Only this time, Kirk was not there. He sat down at the table and went through the mechanical process of eating. He could not fathom the look on McCoy’s face. “Doctor, is the Captain— “

McCoy cut him off. “Haven’t heard from him since he came to my quarters looking for a shoulder to cry on l ast night. ”

Spock felt confusion and concern mix with every other emotion .  “Explain.”

McCoy shook his head. “You’re a fool if you can’t figure this one out, Spock.”

“Enlighten m e.”

The doctor stared at him and spoke softly . “ Jim has done everything for you.  He threw his career away to take you to Vulcan. He’d do anything for you. He loves you. He’s in love with you. And he thinks you can’t love him back.” McCoy paused dramatically. “I think he’s wrong. But only you know which of us is right. ”

Spock  froze. His mind and his emotions warred within him. His desire flared. 

“Doctor, he does not understand the complexity of a Vulcan bond.”

“I’m sure you’re right there. But I bet he’d be damn willing to understand.”

For some reason Spock could still not accept things. He could not trust himself to hope that something he wanted so badly could be his for the asking.  T’Pring had turned him down, publicly humiliated him by choosing  Stonn . Why should he not have a partner of his own choosing? Did Jim really want him ?

M cCoy smiled and laid a hand on his shoulder gently and stood up. 

At that moment the ship shook  and the comm whistled. “All senior staff to their posts. Captain to the bridge.”

The  lull in their mission was over.

***

Kirk  felt a sense of relief when the  turbolift doors opened and Spock stepped onto the bridge. He watched warily as Spock made his way to the science station as the ship lurched. Chekov was instantly briefing Spock. 

“Quasar emitting  unus u al magnetic waves. The ship is being pulled off course and shields are weakening.”

Spock was already working at his computer. His presence at his post reassured Kirk. They would figure out how to get the ship back under control. With Spock at his side, he could conquer anything. 

For a while the bridge was full of communication. Different departments working with each other. Reports being analyzed. Kirk was a good enough captain to know he needed to let his staff do their jobs. The shaking of the ship was worsening, but he could sense that Spock had a solution.  As soon as he felt that, Spock lifted his head. “Captain, I believe I can program the warp engines to emit  a series  of negative ions in a pattern to move the ship to a point where we can counter the magnetic pull and  restore our shields. I am sending the program to engineering now.”

“Good,” Kirk replied , feeling confident. 

His mood was instantly disrupted by Scotty’s frantic tone. “Engineering main computer has overloaded. That last wave overloaded three other computers too. We’re going to have to go to manual.”

Kirk turned to Spock. “How many Jeffries tubes are involved?”

Spock handed him a PADD. “Just two. If you’ll take the port I’ll work starboard.  Mr . Scott, can you reroute the nacelles through auxiliary control? The captain and I will each handle the ion flux out of each nacelle.”

“Aye,” Scotty confirmed. “ It’ll be a wee bit tricky doing it all on m anual.”

“You will give us instructions and we will adjust flux on your signal.”

Kirk and Spock headed to the  turbolift . As they rode, Spock looked at Kirk in such a way that melted his heart. “Jim,  as you know, a wrong button at ion flux can prove deadly.”

“It’s not that long since I’ve been at the Academy,” Kirk reminded him with a smile. Spock was worried about him .

“I didn’t mean —“ Spock paused.

“I know, Spock. Be careful, too.”

The doors opened and they each headed down opposite corridors. Kirk was aware that Spock took a backwards glance at him. He relaxed. He felt like things were going to be okay.

Kirk settled himself in the Jeffries tube to control the port nacelle. Despite what he said to Spock, it  _ had  _ been a bit since he’d been doing complicated work inside a Jeffries tube. After a few moments he’d reoriented himself with the tiny tube and waited for Scott’s commands. For a while, it was simple. The ship’s shaking was intensifying, but Kirk was able to brace himself while he alternated the flux. As he waited for the last sequence, a wave hit the ship and the angle forced his elbow dangerously close to a conduit. Using his  shoulder , he narrowly avoided any misplaced contact.

He heard Scotty order the engines to full power as he began to slide out of the Jeffries tube. Suddenly the ship shook and to his horror he watched as a spark slid across the narrow field. The ship shook as power surged and the panel burst into flames. He was barely able to pull himself out of the tube, aware of flames and as the ship  surged , he was keenly aware of the magnetic pull. His ship was fighting to free itself. 

The bulkhead around him began to crumble, and the next thing he knew solid plates of metal began to topple on him. He felt a stab of pain, then pressure, and his mind hovered fighting consciousness. Around him he heard the whirl of communications. He was dimly aware of personnel yelling and ordering. There was the hissing spray of the fire extinguishing systems. Everything was so far away. The pressure on his chest and legs seemed to intensify.  Finally , the world went away.

***

Spock heard the report that bulkhead #271 had collapsed under magnetic pressure and that there was a fire in Jeffries tube #63. He knew that was where Kirk was and it took every ounce of Vulcan control  not  to abandon his post and run to help with  rescue efforts. Logically, he knew that there were teams trained in the procedure and that he needed to return to the bridge and ensure the safety of the Enterprise. It was still a tremendously difficult process to follow duty.

He sat in the command chair, barely registering Sulu and Chekov’s report. They were piloting a new course that would take them well outside the range of the magnetic field of the pulsar. Scott reported the engines were stable and the only area of significant damage was the one bulkhead. 

In the background he heard the exchanges and reports coming in from decks below. They had still not freed the captain’s body. Doctor McCoy was standing by with a medical team. No other personnel were trapped. 

Finally, certain that the ship could spare him, he turned command over to Sulu and headed below. The rescue team was working on breaking apart piles of metal. There was the smell of smoke still present in the air. He watched as an ensign and two technicians moved a large piece of debris. Instantly, one boot became visible. Spock joined the team as they lifted the remaining crumpled metal and fought back emotions as Kirk’s body became visible. One leg was twisted at an unusual angle and was certainly broken. He could see blood streaks down one side of Kirk’s face, but at that point the lifting of the debris obscured any further view.

He could already hear McCoy barking orders and he listened for any sign of con s ciousness. He set the debris down and looked at McCoy who was still looking at his tricorder. The doctor lifted his eyes and met Spock’s concerned gaze. “Fractured ribs, broken leg, scrapes and bru is es. He’s been through worse. I think he’ll be fine.” McCoy paused and looked down. “See, he’s coming to now.”

Spock moved closer to Kirk and stared down feeling all his concern and emotions were so present in his face, and he did not care.

***

Kirk was more concerned for Spock than he was for himself.  He was aware of  pain and knew McCoy and Spock were both standing over him. But he saw the fear flash in Spock’s eyes. And more. It was as if Spock’s eyes had opened up completely to Kirk. This time the love he saw there was certain. There was no doubt. Things were going to be alright. He smiled, winced in pain, and then felt a hiss of a hypo against his arm and the world went dark again.

***

Spock thought that the time to set Kirk’s broken bones seemed to take an indefinite period of time. He was unable to keep track of the time and felt his Vulcan control nearly complet el y slipping from him. When McCoy stepped out and gestured for him to come to Kirk’s side, he had to fight to keep from letting out a loud sigh of relief. He sat at the chair McCoy indicated and stared at Kirk’s uncon scio us form. His upper torso was bare except for the protoplast wrap around his ribs, and the sight of him made Spock’s body begin to react in ways he was unprepared for. The blanket covered Kirk from his waist down and Spock was grateful for the covering as he felt primal lust rise in him and his attempts to quash the feelings seemed more and more futile.

McCoy appeared oblivious to his inner turmoil. “You’re welcome to sit here until he wakes up. I’ll pull the curtain here and  y’all will have some privacy. It’s just me around here anyhow. I told Chapel I’d pull this shift. I’ll hang out in my office. Holler if you need me.”

Spock sat and stared at Kirk. Realized his whole life had become focused on this one person. When he noticed Kirk stirring, he stood up and moved as close as he could. When Kirk opened his eyes and made the beginnings of a smile, he  was shocked to find tears dripping out of his eyes and landing on Kirk’s head without any control. He had not shed tears since he had been affected by the alien influence on Psi 2000. They would not stop.

Kirk tried to wipe them away. “Spock, it’s ok. I’m ok. I’ve been hurt worse before. Please believe me.”

Spock felt  shame for a moment, and then decided to accept that emotions were complex and new. And he had to tell Kirk what he felt.

“Jim, I need to tell you.” He froze. He still could not find the words. “I— “he paused, suddenly realizing he’d grabbed  Kirk’s hand and was clutching it close to his chest. “I want you. I need you in my life. In every way. You— “

His words were cut off as Kirk pulled his head down to his. He had wanted to feel Jim’s lips on his for so long. Even with Kirk  weak and just coming out of surgery , they were everything he’d imagined and more. They were warmer than he’d expected and Kirk pulled him so close. When Kirk’s tongue touched his lips and slipped beneath his to touch his own tongue, he was unable to stifle a moan. The sensation was more than he could have imagined. Kirk’s hand was in his hair and suddenly he touched a tip of Spock’s ear. As he traced the point, Kirk’s tongue twirled around Spock’s tongue and suddenly he found Kirk sucking his tongue into Kirk’s mouth. The moist warmth was unfamiliar and familiar all at once. Spock was not sure he was able to process so much tactile feedback. It was dizzying. But he was unable to stop. He pulled Kirk closer to himself, carefully trying to keep pressure away from the damaged rib cage.

Jim’s gasp of pain stopped them. “I’m sorry — “ Spock began automatically.

“Don’t you—dare—say you’re sorry —“ Kirk gasped through pain. “ That was the best kiss of my life, don’t be sorry.”

Spock  looked down at his captain. At the man he loved.  He brushed the stubborn lock of hair off of Kirk’s forehead.  “Jim,” he whispered , unable to find the words for everything he was feeling.

Kirk smiled up at him. “Spock, I can’t wait until I’m out of sickbay. I want to show you everything I feel. I love you so much.”


End file.
